Mothering at the breast

Back in January, my baby was admitted to the hospital with a bizarre rash and swelling.  During his illness and our hospital stay, I'd say he was at my breast at least 70% of the time.  When the nurse wanted to give him an I.V. for fluids, fortunately I asked, "Are you worried he's becoming dehydrated?"  After assuring her that he was breastfeeding almost constantly, they agreed to hold off on the I.V. as long as I kept track of all his feedings and he continued to have lots of wet diapers. So they gave me a chart to mark all his "feedings."  It was kind of a joke.  When a baby is almost constantly nursing both day and night?  Ha.

One of the mornings, when the nurse asked about the feeding chart, I mentioned that it was hard to keep track in the middle of the night because he was nursing so often and sometimes I fell asleep mid-feeding and wasn't sure when it officially "ended." It was clear from her facial expression that my nursing style was totally foreign to her.  She replied, "Well, then that's not breastfeeding... that's just for comfort."

I was perplexed by her response.  What's the difference? Of course he wanted extra comfort... he was very sick, sleeping in a foreign place, being awakened repeatedly (after finally, blessedly falling asleep) for nurses and doctors to "take a peek" at his rash, being poked multiple times for blood draws and tests... of course he wanted and needed extra comfort!  But that "comfort" and my breastmilk were inseparable. Even if a baby is suckling only for comfort, the breast doesn't know the difference.  The breast responds to suckling by giving milk.

And how grateful I was that the only thing he wanted to do was nurse!  While many babies with his illness develop gastro-intestinal discomfort, blood in the stools, and other more serious problems, he never did, and I attribute that to the vast amounts of breastmilk he consumed during that time.

In my mind, nursing is so much more than "feeding."  I have never wanted to restrict my babies' suckling time to conform to when they "should" be hungry.  When one of my babies becomes distressed, the first thing I almost always offer is my breast, even if they just "ate" two minutes before.  If they don't seem interested or aren't calmed by suckling, then I try other ways to soothe them.

I was talking with a friend last week about how my babies have never taken to bottles or pacifiers.  I mentioned that my baby boy will happily drink water from a bottle when he's thirsty, and he would probably even drink milk from a bottle (though we've never tried).  The other day he found an old pacifier and sucked on it for a bit for fun.  But if someone tried to stick a bottle or pacifier in his mouth when he was grumpy, tired, afraid, or distressed, he would cast them away and only scream harder.

I am his pacifier.  I am the only answer to his deepest cries.  Nothing and no one else can give him what I can give.  Call it "just for comfort" if you want, but it's all the same to me.  In my mind you cannot separate breastfeeding, nursing, and soothing... they are all one.

There are many who would say my son no longer "needs" breastmilk or night-feedings because he's 14-months-old.  There are some who would have said he didn't need them when he was in the hospital at 9-months-old.  I say that the time when I am able to provide this gift to him will pass in the blink of an eye.  This time when only my body can comfort him is precious and fleeting.  If it means I will lose a few years of uninterrupted sleep, so be it.  If he's three years old before he's able to soothe himself back to sleep on his own, so be it.

Because of my own history and struggles with abandonment issues, there is almost nothing more important to me than establishing a secure, unbreakable attachment with my babies... telling them with my every touch and action that I will always be here... that I will never abandon them, especially when they need me the most, no matter what time of day or night.  I've never regretted one moment of nurse-comforting my children, and I feel confident that I will look back when I'm past my childbearing years with gratitude that I didn't push those precious nursing relationships away for the sake of independence or convenience.  (P.S. Moms who don't continue nursing through the second year are really missing out on the best trick up their sleeves for dealing with those daily toddler tantrums.)

Me and my almost 15-month-old nursling last weekend

I appreciate these words (shared by Sarah, one of my facebook fans) from lactation consultant, Diane Wiessinger:

Easy, long-term breastfeeding involves forgetting about the "breast" and the "feeding" (and the duration, and the interval, and the transmission of the right nutrients in the right amounts, and the difference between nutritive and non-nutritive suckling needs, all of which form the focus of artificial milk pamphlets) and focusing instead on the relationship. . . . [T]he real joys and satisfactions of the experience begin when they stop "breastfeeding" and start mothering at the breast.  (Source)

Maybe that nurse in the hospital was right, after all.  I wasn't really "breastfeeding" in that hospital, I was mothering at the breast.

Rising up

I got married in the summer of 2001. When I was a newlywed, I had only known one woman who had given birth outside of a hospital by choice.  (And I never could have imagined I'd eventually do the same!) 

Nine years later, I can't believe how much has changed.  I can't even count the number of people I know who have given birth at home (or would be open to the possibility).  So many women! That is partly because I have sought friendships and attracted friendships with like-minded people.  But I don't think that's the only explanation.  I think giving birth at home is becoming more and more common.  In fact, I know it is.

Did you see that report back in March from the CDC?  Amy Newman from RH Reality Check summarizes it's findings:

Over the last five years, out-of-hospital births (which includes home birth and birthing at a free-standing birth center) rose 3 percent and home births rose 5 percent after having sharply declined between 1940 and 1969 and then remaining static over the last few decades.

Clearly women aren't abandoning hospitals in droves.  We're talking about a tiny percentage of the total births in the U.S.  But I expect that trend to continue.  Not because hospitals are BAD.  They're not bad.  They serve an essential purpose for women who experience birth complications.  But I expect home births to continue to rise because more and more women are realizing that, being low risk, they can have an equally safe but likely more satisfying birth experience staying home.  And the more women choose that path, the easier it becomes for their friends and family members to choose it... and on and on.

I often wonder what maternity care will be like in the U.S. when my daughters reach their childbearing years. 

Will the cesarean rate have decreased?  Will home birth midwives be able to practice legally in every state?  Will hospitals be more mother-friendly? 

I know my daughters may not choose the same path I have chosen.  I will support them in whatever they choose.  But watching them both scramble to get on my lap whenever they hear the unmistakable sounds of a YouTube birth video, seeing their complete and utter fascination with every detail, their comfort level and curiosity as a baby head emerges from its mother... all of that makes me hopeful that they will at least not enter their childbearing years fearful and uneducated. 

When my oldest daughter does tell me, on occasion, that she doesn't want to have babies because "It will hurt,"  I always smile and respond, "But it's SO COOL!  I love doing it!"  I hope that hearing my love of birth will, with time, ease her fears. I plan to school them all their lives in the beauty of birth and teach them how to help each other and other women through that process.  It makes me so happy to think of them doula-ing each other some day... and their friends... and their daughters... and grand-daughters. 

When I got married in 2001, no one in my family or circle of friends would have ever dreamed of giving birth at home.  Ever.  And now I'm surrounded by home birthing mommas... and looking at the possibility of generations of my own daughters joining those ranks.  What a beautiful sight.

Change is good.

Dolphins, revisited

As I was writing my dolphin birth post last Friday, I enlisted my girls' help looking for a little stone dolphin figurine I wanted to include a photo of.  My brother-in-law had brought it back from a trip to South America for me, remembering that I was a fan of dolphins.  I often find it among their toys, so I assumed they might know where it was. They didn't know, but I explained to them (4 and 6 years old) as we searched that I was writing something about how dolphins have babies.  How other dolphins circle around the mommy dolphin to keep her and her new baby safe.  Then, later that night, we told Daddy about it on our way to the store.

I forgot about those conversations until Saturday evening when I walked into the playroom to tell the girls it was almost time for dinner.  As I turned to leave the room, something in their conversation made me pause and walk over to see what they were drawing.  And I found this in front of my 6-year-old...

And a huge grin came across my face. It made my birth-loving mommy-heart proud.

"I love it!" I told her. "I'm definitely keeping this one!"

Oh, and I finally found the stone dolphin on Saturday. It was hiding in one of their play purses in their dress-up closet.

Hear me roar

After a few weeks of caring for her precious first-born baby, my friend Fig declared, "Motherhood is blood, sweat, and tears. Rinse and repeat." Are you nodding and chuckling at the same time? Fig's good at inducing the chuckle-nod. She's so witty. And right on.

So I've been thinking, of late, about how I focus so much on the intense physical challenge of labor (some, including me, call it "pain") that I have sort of neglected to give attention to other physical "pains" associated with bearing and nurturing children. For example...

* The cramping associated with ovulation and/or menstruation is painful for some women.
* PMS can cause painful bloating, headaches, etc.
* Love-making is painful for some women.
* Some women experience round-ligament twinges and/or cramping in early pregnancy.
* Morning sickness can range from mildly bothersome to excruciatingly miserable.
* Some pregnant women suffer with back pain, sciatic nerve pain, joint pain, etc.
* Preterm labor pains keep some women on bed rest for weeks or months.
* Then there are the after-pains (I think they get worse with each birth... wowza!).
* Some women endure general perineal tenderness, pain from perineal tears/episiotomies, or cesarean section wounds.
* Breastfeeding hurts like the (toe-curling) dickens in the beginning, being compounded initially by painful breast engorgement, painful milk let-down, and more intense after-pains due to the uterine contractions produced by suckling.
* The muscle strain from carrying around a 5 to 10 lb newborn can lead to sore arms and/or sore backs, especially with a first child.
* Once an infant has teeth that introduces a whole new kind of potential pain during breastfeeding.
* Back pain can continue and intensify from carrying increasingly hefty babies and toddlers.
* Rinse and repeat.

(And that's not even getting into the emotional pains we endure.)

The other day a first-time pregnant woman I love told me she's pretty sure she'll get an epidural 'cause she's (and these were her exact words) "such a pansy." I couldn't help myself... I rushed toward her, grasped her face in my hands, and said, "No! You're not!" This woman has endured excruciating menstrual cramps every month for over a decade followed by miserable morning sickness for the last couple of months... and she thinks she's a "pansy!"

Look at the list above, ladies. Take a good, long look at it. Do you really think God would entrust those challenges to a bunch of pansies?



Nope.

We are women. We are strong. We can push ourselves to our absolute limit and somehow find the strength to push some more. And then rinse and repeat.

Don't you dare call yourself a pansy. 

 (Photo by Fife Photography, Fall 2005)

A Year Ago Today

Happy First Birthday to my little April Fool.

At this moment a year ago, he was still squirming around inside my belly, and now look at him...Happy Birthday to you, my little first-home-born baby boy! I love you more than I ever could have dreamed I would.

For all the nitty gritty birthing details, see here.

To learn more about why I chose a home birth, see here.

To read about my midwives and their training, experience, and stats, see here.

Ask Busca: Iron and Vitamin D suppplementation for infants?

Ali, a nursing student, asked:

[The teacher of my nutrition class said] that babies who are breast fed will likely need an iron and vitamin d supplement. This makes absolutely no sense to me, because breast is supposed to be best, so why would anything need to be supplemented. The teacher said because the baby stops living off of it mothers iron stores at four months, and so that is why, but do they not get enough from the breast milk. I would just think that if the mother was eating healthy that the baby would not need to be supplemented on anything.

Busca's (excessive) babble:

Thanks for your question, Ali. So sorry it has taken me nearly 6 months to finally give you a response! I'm not a doctor, nurse, dietician, or nutrition expert, but I do love to dig around and see what I can find to help my readers out. So here's what I dug up in regard to iron and vitamin D supplementation...

Iron Supplementation

I knew kellymom.com would probably have something to say about it. And, indeed, she does. In fact, she has so much great info over there, that I'm just going to direct you to her site where you will find just about everything you could possibly want to know on the subject of iron supplementation. Here's a brief excerpt:

Healthy, full-term infants who are breastfed exclusively for periods of 6-9 months have been shown to maintain normal hemoglobin values and normal iron stores. In one of these studies, done by Pisacane in 1995, the researchers concluded that babies who were exclusively breastfed for 7 months (and were not give iron supplements or iron-fortified cereals) had significantly higher hemoglobin levels at one year than breastfed babies who received solid foods earlier than seven months. The researchers found no cases of anemia within the first year in babies breastfed exclusively for seven months and concluded that breastfeeding exclusively for seven months reduces the risk of anemia.

The original recommendations for iron-fortified foods were based on a formula-fed baby's need for them and the fact that breastmilk contains less iron than formula (doctors didn't know then that the iron in breastmilk is absorbed much better). Also, a few babies do have lower iron stores and will need extra iron at some point. . . .

La Leche League recommends that babies be offered foods that are naturally rich in iron, rather than iron-fortified foods. . . .

Note: Additional iron intake by the mother will not increase iron levels in breastmilk, even if the mother is anemic. Iron supplements taken by mom may produce constipation in baby. Anemia in the nursing mother has been associated with poor milk supply, however.

Learning about baby-led weaning really changed the way I saw iron supplementation. My first two daughters had iron-fortified rice cereal before 6 months of age, but my son was exclusively breastfed without any supplementation for 6 months. Afterward, he simply ate whatever offered foods he managed to get into his mouth. But I never worried about his iron levels.

Vitamin D Supplementation

As for Vitamin D, there was a recent news article on the subject that caught my eye and prompted me to finally tackle your question. USA Today reported on a couple of studies published in the journal Pediatrics related to infants and vitamin D. Nicolas Stettler, a pediatrician interviewed in the article, acknowledges, "Because humans originated in equatorial areas with year-round sunshine, babies in the distant past wouldn't have needed to get vitamin D from breast milk," but, according to the second study from Pediatrics, 58% of infants today have deficient vitamin D blood levels. It also reported that "Getting lots of sunlight helped raise vitamin D levels in moms, but not in their newborns." (It was unclear to me whether they meant that the mother and baby were both exposed to sunlight or whether they meant that sunlight didn't improve the vitamin d levels of breast milk.)

I have to wonder when I hear that breast milk is "low in Vitamin D," whether that really just means that mothers themselves have been low in Vitamin D for decades leading researchers to conclude that breast milk is always low. I've read elsewhere that Vitamin D supplementation will increase the Vitamin D content of breastmilk, so I think that's worth exploring. Maybe breast milk isn't inherently low after all?

I am partial to Vitamin D expert, Michael F. Holick, who has been researching Vitamin D for more than three decades. The home page of his website has some great info on Vitamin D:

Vitamin D is not a vitamin but a hormone. It is unique in that it is made in the skin as a result of exposure to sunlight. Photosynthesis of vitamin D has been occurring on earth for more than 750 million years. Some of the earliest life forms that were exposed to sunlight for their energy requirement were also photosynthesizing vitamin D. Both children and adults have in the past depended on adequate sun exposure to satisfy their vitamin D requirement. It is well documented that at the turn of the last century upwards of 80% of children in the industrialized, polluted cities of northern Europe and northeastern United States suffered from the devastating consequences of vitamin D deficiency rickets. The skin has a large capacity to make vitamin D. Exposure of a person in a bathing suit to a minimal erythemal dose of sunlight, which is typically no more than 15-20 minutes on Cape Cod in June or July at noon time, is the equivalent to taking 20,000 IU of vitamin D orally. It is now well documented that in the absence of any sun exposure 1,000 IU of vitamin D3 a day is necessary to maintain healthy levels of 25-hydroxyvitamin D in the circulation. An analysis of the NHANES III data has demonstrated that neither children nor adults are receiving an adequate amount of vitamin D from their diet or from supplements.

Holick is a strong proponent of sensible sun exposure. And so am I. I feel fortunate that I live in the Valley of the Sun where my children and I can go outdoors at any time of year most days and receive more than enough Vitamin D in ten minutes to keep our levels adequate. Even so, during times of the year when the weather keeps us indoors more often, I have mixed safe amounts of liquid vitamin D into my kids' yogurt or juice to keep their immune systems functioning and prevent illness.

(Getting a few minutes of backyard Vitamin D at lunchtime in February)

The American Academy of Pediatrics is opposed to exposing infants to direct sunlight. Personally, I think their recommendation is counter-intuitive. Human beings have been living with the sun for thousands of years (and without chemical sunscreens). We even took my newborn son outside for a few minutes every day (at my midwives' recommendation) because of his slight jaundice. Even after his slight yellow tinge had disappeared, I still took him with me outside in the early April morning sunshine while I watered my vegetable garden. He absolutely loved it. As soon as the sun's warm rays would fall on his face, his facial muscles would relax and take on a look of total peace and serenity. He always turned to face the sun no matter where I put him. And my instincts told me it was good for him. My gut tells me newborns need a few minutes of sunlight every day, just like the rest of us.I love the sun. I really think that human beings need regular sunlight exposure to survive. I don't generally use much sunblock on myself or my children unless we are in the sun for an extended period of time. I remember asking our pediatrician about the safety of sunscreens for infants when my first daughter was about 6 months old. He encouraged us to use hats, clothing, and shade rather than chemical suscreens. At the time, I was slow to take his advice and continued to use sunscreen. As I learned more about Vitamin D and safe sun exposure, my sunscreen use has decreased dramatically. Now we rely on hats, clothing, and shade to prevent sunburn (as our pediatrician recommended all those years ago). We all try to wear shirt-style swimming suits to keep our backs and shoulders protected. When we do use sunscreen, I focus on the areas most likely to sunburn--the nose, cheeks, ears, tops of feet, etc.While I wouldn't advocate spending large stretches of time in direct sunlight, I do advocate spending a few minutes every day (sunscreen-free) with some of your skin exposed to the sun, even babies. In places where sunlight is minimal in winter months, I also advocate taking Vitamin D supplements. I'm convinced that widespread Vitamin D deficiency is largely responsible for the "cold and flu season" phenomenon.

So what am I trying to say with all this Vitamin D babble? Yes, babies need vitamin D. How they get it is a personal decision mothers should discuss with their pediatricians. Personally, I'll echo what the Vitamin D council has to say:

Infants and children under the age of one should obtain a total of 1,000 IU (25 mcg) per day from their formula, sun exposure, or supplements. As most breast milk contains little or no vitamin D, breast-fed babies should take 1,000 IU per day as a supplement unless they are exposed to sunlight. The only exception to this are lactating mothers who either get enough sun exposure or take enough vitamin D (usually 4,000–6,000 IU per day) to produce breast milk that is rich in vitamin D. Formula fed babies should take an extra 600 IU per day until they are weaned and then take 1,000 IU a day, as advised below.

Children over the age of 1 year should take 1,000 IU per every 25 pounds of body weight per day, depending on latitude of residence, skin pigmentation, and sun exposure. On the days they are outside in the summer sun, they do not need to take any; in the winter they will need to supplement accordingly.

I hope that helps!

Speaking of loving the sun, this is one of my new favorite songs. I was introduced to it over our Spring break trip to CA when I attended a prenatal yoga class taught by my book collaborator, Felice. Love it! It's definitely going on my next birthing c.d.

Re-post: Defining Female Empowerment

The feminism chatter on CJane's blog has got my head spinning. Now I'm all befuddled and not really sure where I stand, but it brought my mind back to this post from last August, so here it is again in case you missed it...

The whole battle between the two camps is due to the faiure [sic] of women in the country to fight for real empowerment. They take up an 'easy' cause, child birth and child raising, to fight for with the enemy that does not exist, other women. Rather than fight men for equal pay (the ERA is STILL not ratified in this country!), equal opportunity, fight sexism, fight discrimination, they pick easy 'battles' with no true winners. My partner calls the breast-home birth-epidural-vaccination battles 'Hen Chatter'. No real substance or results. These arguments do nothing to better the lives and livelihoods of women or our daughters. Filled with hystrionics [sic] and personal anecdotes they are just busy work, like darning once was, for women. Keeps the little women busy and from tackling the real fights. Keep it up ladies and we will remain in the 1960's for another half century. Empowering women is not about how you have a baby!

-Ali (excerpt from her comment in response to "Pushing Back: Has the natural childbirth movement gone too far?" by Lisa Selin Davis)

I linked over to Lisa Selin Davis' essay from the Citizens for Midwifery blog. Initially I expected the article itself to get me riled up. But it turned out to be fairly balanced. Just a few painful jabs. Then I started reading the comments. Why do I let myself read the comments? The essay's title is quite fitting, in fact. Except Jennifer Block's title was making reference to the way women as a whole are "pushed" into less than ideal maternity care. This essay refers to the way women "push" each other. And, after reading the comment by "Ali" above, I certainly did feel as though I had been violently shoved to the ground.

My immediate reaction was... I have to write a blogpost! So I opened-up this window, poised to spill my reaction on the blank screen with gusto. But I stopped myself. I knew I needed to take a breather so I could express myself with a level head.

So I folded our (massive) piles of laundry while my husband and kids scrubbed the toilets and cleaned the bathrooms. Then we all put our piles of clothes away. And we put more loads of laundry in the washer. Now, with my sweet babe napping, and my husband getting lunch ready, I think I'm ready to say what's on my mind. I do my best thinking while completing seemingly brainless tasks, I think--showering, housework, etc. Multi-tasking is fun, no?

Here's what I've been thinking about today...

4.3 million births were registered in the United States in 2006 (source). And the vast majority of women worldwide will give birth at some point in their lifetimes. That translates to a mind-boggling number of births. So, in my view, what happens to women in childbirth is an issue that should matter to all women everywhere.

But, of course, we are all in different stages of life. The issues that matter to each of us are usually those most pertinent to our circumstances. I happen to be in my childbearing years. I have spent the past six+ years totally immersed in childbirth and childrearing. That is where my head is. So I am well-versed in the abuses toward women (and babies) occurring within that sphere. On the flip side, most of my female age-mates have spent the last six years in graduate school and the workforce, building their careers. They would be well-versed in the abuses toward women within their spheres.

Doesn't it make sense for all women to work within their own spheres of influence? What good would I do championing the cause of females in the corporate world if I have absolutely no idea what it's like to be in their shoes? What good does it do for any woman to say, in essence, "What matters to you is meaningless! My crusade is so much better than yours!" It reminds me of the similar sentiment that my work as a "stay-at-home" mother is menial or pointless, or that my career choice is somehow harming the progress of womankind. It is attitudes such as these that have led me to eschew the "feminist" label.

"Ali" accuses me and other birth advocates of fighting with "the enemy that does not exist, other women." But what has she just done? Is she not attacking me and women like me? I have always tried to make it clear that I do what I do to educate, inspire, and empower other women. Not ever to attack them. And, yes, I said empower.

Let's talk about empowerment. I can't tell you how many times I've heard women say, following the birth of their child, "That was the most empowering experience of my life!" I would love to see the day that childbirth is empowering for every woman, and never disempowering, as it is for too many. "Ali" may not be aware just yet, but women across the country are abused daily by their maternity care providers (many of them males). Can't we agree that needs to change?

Women can be empowered in a multitude of ways. Having a salary equivalent to a male executive is only one of them. Shouldn't "feminism" be about what matters to all women, not just about what matters to one small niche of them? Who is Ali to decide what ought to be empowering to other women? Aren't we all entitled to decide that for ourselves?

The fact of the matter is that the childbirth experience is a huge, often life-changing rite of passage for women. And what happens during that special experience matters deeply to many women, and rightly so. How does it harm the progress of womankind for us childbirth advocates to focus our efforts on maximizing the empowerment of that pivotal, life-changing experience? Can "Ali" and her partner really believe these issues are "hen chatter" or "histrionics"? Or that our efforts "do nothing to better the lives and livelihoods of women or our daughters." It is, in large part, because of my love for my daughters that I continue my crusade.

Furthermore, I happen to believe that darning is a valuable lost art--one I very much wish I had. Oh how many hole-filled socks I could have made wearable again!

So, "Ali" wants to get women away from their "needlework" and out fighting the "real fights" in the feminist agenda. I'm glad there are women like her fighting for equality in their realm of experience. But if you imagine all of womankind as a whole, perched on a tabletop, doesn't it make sense that we can't just raise one corner? Shouldn't we all "stand close together and lift where we stand" and improve every aspect of women's lives simultaneously, each exerting our efforts in the areas most suited to us? You work over there, I'll work over here, and together we'll all make a difference? Isn't that how it should be?

Ripples

Last night I was talking with my husband as we finished-off the last of the apple pie we made on Sunday. He's grown accustomed to my nearly constant birth chatter (poor guy). I was talking about how crazy it was that the maternity care system in this country changed so fast.

My great-grandmother, Margaret, gave birth to my grandmother at home into the hands of a short little English immigrant midwife. My grandmother gave birth to all of her children in the hospital, flat on her back, drugged-up to the point of being virtually unconscious (probably twilight sleep), having her babies pulled out of her by the doctor (probably with forceps), and not remembering a bit of it. Which is why I'm sketchy on the details... she didn't know the details herself! She also had a very difficult time nursing her babies and her milk "dried up" after a short time--probably a result of the sugar water they were given in the hospital and afterward. (Magaret is seated in the photo above, with my father on her lap and my grandmother standing.)

I love my grandmother. She was a mother-figure to me when I was a traumatized and motherless toddler, and we've had a special mother-daughter bond ever since. She's one of the most important people in my life. I love, honor, and respect her greatly. But she's also the woman who told me over and over, when my first-born was a baby, that I was going to spoil her by holding her so much, that I should put her down more, and that I should just let her cry (as a tiny newborn baby) at night and eventually she'd give up and sleep. It was extremely difficult to sort through all the advice and figure out what to do. In the end, I felt strongly that I should go against her advice and follow my instincts. So I did.

I can't help but wonder whether my grandmother's views about mothering were somehow ripple effects of the way she gave birth. Did the disconnected birthing process lead to a more disconnected way of responding to her babies? Or was it simply the way her mother had taught her to care for infants?

This morning, I was reading an article by Pam Udy in Midwifery Today called "Emotional Impact of Cesareans." This part really struck me, in light of last night's conversation with my husband:

When a woman gives birth, she has to reach down inside herself and give more than she thought she had. The limits of her existence are stretched. There is a moment when every woman thinks, “I can‘t do this.” If she is lucky, she has a midwife, a doula or her mom to whisper in her ear, “You are doing it.” As she does it, she becomes someone new: a mother. If the birthing process is skipped or occurs in a hostile situation, or if the interventions become overwhelming, she becomes a different mother than she would have been if she had only had a supportive, midwifery model of care.

Do you think there's some truth to this? Does the way we give birth have ripple effects in our mothering styles? Would my grandmother have been a different type of mother if she had been conscious during her children's births? Or does it have more to do with how we were parented ourselves or our maternal instincts giving each unique child the style of parenting they need?

Please share your thoughts!

Thoughts on the freeway

My mind's always whirring when I'm doing something mindless... driving, dishes, folding laundry (oh wait, scratch that... I don't fold laundry). Anyway, this afternoon, as I drove on the freeway to pick up my husband at the finish of the Ragnar Relay Del Sol, I found myself thinking about birth. It's where my brain usually goes by default.

Anyway, I was remembering the dream I had back in November where I was doula-ing a woman, totally in my groove. Like it was what I was born to do. About a week ago I had another doula dream. This time I was doula-ing a friend of mine who is currently pregnant. I won't be attending her for this birth, but perhaps in the future? It was a great dream though. Seeing the look on her face as she pulled her vernix-covered baby up onto her chest was priceless.

Do you ever think about how all the pieces of your life come together and suddenly you see why they came together that way. When I attended my doula training almost exactly a year ago, I had no idea how I was going to fit doula work into my life. I have felt guided or "called" to this path, but I haven't been able to figure out how to make it compatible with being a stay-at-home-mom. But, this afternoon, I was thinking about those dreams, and thinking about the two births I may be attending this coming June (for a friend and a cousin), and thinking about how I have the luxury of being married to a man who has a month off every summer (he's a school psychologist). And I realized in that moment that I've been given a gift--a month-long window of opportunity every year. Maybe I can't be a full-time doula in this season of my life, but I can be a mid-June to mid-July doula. I can offer my assistance to a couple of friends each year. I don't feel ready or able to surrender my life to doula work all year (I can't just leave my family at a moment's notice), but the summer feels manageable and perfect. Maybe I could even start doing childbirth education of some sort on the weekends during the rest of the year?

I'm babbling now. But I guess I just wanted you to know... I'm excited about being a summer doula. (If you want me, plan your conceptions accordingly!) I'm also excited to see where life takes me next. And grateful I married that handsome guy in the above photo who inspires me to follow my dreams (and has lots of lovely work vacations).

P.S. Wow, I really like to break that rule about not beginning sentences with "And" or "But," don't I?

Book Review: The Science of Parenting

I'm catching-up on some things I've been wanting to write posts about for months. Like a book I checked-out from the library ages ago... I heard about The Science of Parenting by Dr. Margot Sunderland (director of education and training at the Centre for Child Mental Health in London) in a Canadian news article with the headline 'Crying it out' may damage baby's brain. Now that's a heavy headline, eh? I was definitely intrigued, so I decided to dig further into this. It took me weeks to read it (bit by bit while nursing), but I finally finished last month some time.

My initial reaction to the book was: it looks and feels like a text book. Lots of pictures, sidebars, bullet points, etc. The tone of the writing also reminded me of a text book--one that was giving you basic information without personality or fluff. But I was sort of disappointed because the book repeats phrases like, "There is a mass of scientific research showing..." but it only speaks in very general terms about what those studies actually show. I guess I expected a book called "The Science of Parenting" to delve more deeply into the science of parenting.

The book also struck me as somewhat biased. It kind of reminded me of Stupid Things Parents Do To Mess Up Their Kids which I read per a friend's suggestion. They're very different books written in very different ways, but they both support narrow visions of "good" parenting. It's no question Dr. Laura favors stay-at-home moms, so her book was like a big pat on the back for me (though I don't agree with everything she says). Similarly, The Science of Parenting leaves no doubt that it was written by a woman who is an advocate of attachment parenting and co-sleeping. For someone like me, it's validating. For an Ezzo-Babywise fan, probably not so much. (Actually, Dr. Laura herself would probably trash The Science of Parenting since Sunderland opposes spanking as a form of discipline.)

So where did the Canadian news headline come from? Sunderland devotes a whole chapter of her book to crying and separation. How does prolonged crying "damage" a baby's brain? Here's an excerpt:

Let's be clear at the outset--it is not crying itself that can affect a child's developing brain. It doesn't. It is prolonged, uncomforted distress. . . . It is the type of crying that goes on and on and on, and eventually stops when the child is either completely exhausted and falls asleep or, in a hopeless state, realizes that help is not going to come. . . . In a crying baby, the stress hormone cortisol is released by the adrenal glands. If the child is soothed and comforted, the level of cortisol goes down again, but if the child is left to cry and cry, the level of cortisol remains high. This is a potentially dangerous situation, because over a prolonged period, cortisol can reach toxic levels that may damage key structures and systems in a developing brain. Cortisol is a slow-acting chemical that can stay in the brain at high levels for hours. (p. 38-40)

I have heard similar explanations in previous reading and research, so this wasn't new to me, but I found Sunderland's explanation, visuals, and charts enriching. Despite these points, I personally feel that intuition trumps science and that we each are given promptings of how to respond to our children individually.

The part of the book I found most helpful was Sunderland's section about the two types of tantrums--distress tantrums and "Little Nero" tantrums. She explains that these two types of tantrums should be handled in very different ways.

Distress tantrums mean that rage, fear, and/or separation distress have sent "too-high levels of stress chemicals searing through his body and brain" (p. 122). These stress chemicals "hijack" your child's ability to think or reason or communicate effectively. Children in distress tantrums need help managing their big feelings. Sunderland encourages parents to remember that their child's distress is genuine and focus on giving physical comfort, emotional empathy, and safety.

Little Nero tantrums are another story. These tantrums are about control and manipulation and rarely involve tears. There aren't stress chemicals involved. Sunderland explains, "A Little Nero tantrum is about a child trying to get what he wants--attention, a particular toy, or food--through bullying his parents into submission. . . . Children who have Little Nero tantrums need to learn that they can't always receive the gratification they want at the time they want it, and that it's not OK to bully or control people to get what they want in life" (p.128). Sunderland encourages parents to ignore these tantrums, avoid trying to reason, argue, or negotiate with the child, remain emotionally calm, and be firm in saying, "No." Above all, don't reward these inappropriate tantrums with attention.

Reading her explanation of these two types of tantrums was one of those "aha" moments. I have seen both types hundreds of times but never really made that distinction or realized that they called for different parental responses. I'm trying to incorporate Sunderland's suggestions, when I remember. Fortunately, Little Nero rarely makes an appearance around here. But I definitely need to work on keeping my cool and ignoring those.

Even though it wasn't really what I expected, I'm glad I read The Science of Parenting. It reminded me to respect my children's feelings and respond in a way that honors their identity as children of God. It helped me to better understand what is happening inside when my 4-year-old freaks out about something--as she often does. It has validated my efforts to create a secure attachment with my babies through responsive parenting--both night and day. I'd definitely recommend the book to others, but only after making them aware of the author's preference for the attachment parenting style.

A couple of Amazon reviewers' statements might be helpful:

I think it inflates the parents' role in child-rearing. It goes completely overboard about activating the wrong parts of your child's brain. I'm not saying there is no merit to this theory, but the book would make it seem a miracle anyone ever grew up halfway sane if their parents nevcer read this book. -SWB "Parent"

[T]he discussion of the science is extremely superficial . . . . To learn more about the science of how the brain actually works, I would recommend What's Going on in There?: How the Brain and Mind Develop in the First Five Years of Life by Lise Eliot. -sammy

I've already put What's Going on in There on hold at our library. It sounds more like what I was expecting The Science of Parenting to be, and the reviews promise lots of dense scientific details. Goody! I also have another parenting book on hold, The Wonder Weeks, per Heather's suggestion. Can't wait to check them out!

Do you have any other book recommendations, while we're at it?

DIY cardboard play kitchen, anyone?

As I was posting the pictures in my last post, I realized that I never shared our January 2008 home-made play kitchen adventure on this blog, and since I figure I have lots of readers who might be interested in making their own play kitchen from recycled moving boxes... here it is!

Years ago, my brother and his wife gave us the play kitchen their kids had outgrown. It was fantastic. Our girls got a lot of use out of that thing. You can see part of it in this picture here...Then we made plans to move to AZ, and (being naive and inexperienced in the world of play kitchens) we thought we'd sell it at a yard sale and just get a new one on Craigslist after we moved. We figured it would be easier than trying to move the thing 'cause it was pretty big. I think we sold it for like $11 or something ridiculous like that. Fast forward to post-move when I find out that some people actually expect you to pay $100 for a used play kitchen!? Obviously we were crazy to part with our FREE one. Yikes!

Seeing that there was no way we were going to pay that much for something so non-essential, I did a google search to see if anyone had a site with do-it-yourself play kitchen ideas. That's when I found forty-two roads. She made a play kitchen with cardboard and contact paper. Not a bad idea. What do you have coming out your ears after a move? BOXES! Stacks and stacks of flattened boxes were residing in our garage.

So, two years ago, my husband and I (with a little help from our girls) created a play kitchen using recycled cardboard boxes, contact paper, packing tape, glue, and a few knick knacks, screws, and gadgets thrown in. Voila! A pretty stinkin cool hand/home-made play kitchen for my little girls to go nuts with.

We were quite proud of our little creation, particularly the special features not included in the forty-two roads' original. We sort of took her idea and modified it to our liking. The special features include: a window in the oven door (with a sheet protector acting as "glass"), two functional cardboard drawers, a "granite" countertop, a faucet (bike hook), and colorful contact paper. Here are some pics of the work in progress and the final product:The folks who sold us our house left a couple of things in the storage closet, one of them being an old Sony stereo cabinet. We didn't have a stereo fit for it, and it had just been sitting in that closet for months... So... we covered the glass door with cardboard, contact paper and tape to make it safer, and it was instantly transformed into... you guessed it... a refrigerator! Check it out!They were a lot of work, but it was fun work. We've decided they're definitely better than anything we could have bought at the store.

Wrap Happy

You might like:
No-Sew Baby Wrap Instructions
DIY Cardboard Play Kitchen, anyone?

DIY Natural Hand Sanitizer

I've always been one to chuckle to myself at "those people" who carry hand sanitizer around. I don't keep my house clean by any means, but I have always assuaged my guilt with the rationale that it's good for my kids' immune systems (and it is). The only reason I have any antibacterial hand soap in my house is because I got a bunch for free with coupons last year. I'm not a germaphobe because I know that there are germs, bacteria, and viruses lurking everywhere. Everywhere. And I think our attempts to avoid them are somewhat delusional, and sometimes only succeed in turning the bugs into supers.

So my approach has always been... rather than trying to kill/avoid the bugs, make it possible for us to live in peace with them by strengthening our immune systems so they're no longer a threat. So far my approach has worked well. We rarely get sick, but when we do it's usually because we've let our immune systems get weak by staying up too late (repeatedly) or eating too much sugar.

The problem is... your immune system can't protect you from everything. Sometimes a healthy immune system malfunctions. Sometimes those malfunctions manifest themselves in frightening ways. As some of you are aware, my baby was admitted to the hospital last week with what they eventually diagnosed as Henoch-Schonlein Purpura (HSP). HSP usually occurs when the body is exposed to a bug and sort of overreacts to it and causes the capillaries in the skin to become inflamed and bleed creating a rash, aches, and swelling. It's not fun. Here's a pic of my Bubby from Sunday...So although he never got "sick" with the bug, the bug did make him "sick" by provoking his immune system to overreact.

The good news is that he's doing much, much better. The swelling has disappeared and the rash is slowly fading. He is almost back to his happy self again. The bad news is that a good portion of those who experience HSP will have another bout of it, usually within a month through exposure to another virus. One bout of HSP was more than enough for us! And I no longer have the illusion that I can live in complete peace with the germs around us. Any one of those bugs could bring another HSP nightmare upon us. (This experience only fueled my distaste for hospitals and the "bad eggs" of the medical establishment... ugh!)

So I've turned into a germaphobe. At least temporarily. I will not be taking my baby to the store, to the school, to the church, or any public place for at least a few weeks (or months?). I will be slathering my daughters' hands in sanitizer before they get into the car after kindergarten and preschool. And we will be washing our hands thoroughly first thing when we walk in the door.

As I was talking to my brother about my new-found-inner-germaphobe, he mentioned that there are natural hand sanitizers out there if I want to avoid the harsh commercial ones. Did you know that the alcohol-based versions say they're not suitable for infants? So that got me thinking... maybe I could make my own natural sanitizer? I turned to google and found quite a few recipes. They all had roughly the same ingredients, but with quite an array of proportions. So I took a couple of them and sort of morphed them to make my own version using the ingredients I had.

Disclaimer: I'm no chemist. I have no idea if this will actually kill germs. It's my understanding that a sanitizer has to be at least 60% alcohol to do the job, but I don't know what proportions are necessary when you're using other antibacterial agents. Here's what I do know: vinegar and lavender essential oil can be used as antibacterials. So I figure that whether or not my natural hand sanitizer kills everything, it's bound to be better than nothing. I chose lavender because I had a bottle in the cupboard and it's safer for children than the more potent tea tree oil most of the sanitizer recipes called-for.

So here's what we used... Natural Hand Sanitizer

1/2 cup distilled white vinegar
1/2 cup distilled water
approximately 1 3/4 cup 100% aloe vera gel (12 oz bottle)
14 drops lavender essential oil

We mixed the ingredients in a glass bowl with a whisk and then poured the mixture into an empty soap dispenser. The remainder we poured back into the aloe vera bottle to use for refills. My husband and I tested it out last night. I was initially worried that it would either smell too strongly of vinegar or too strongly of lavender. Neither of those smells is really noticeable. In fact, mostly it smells like the aloe gel with just a hint of vinegar and lavender. Not bad at all. A bonus to using these ingredients--alcohol-based versions will dry out the skin, but aloe vera and lavender will benefit the skin.

Will it work? I don't know. But here's my plan... I will use our "natural" sanitizer when I know we will soon be able to wash our hands (after-school, etc.). But I will also keep commercial sanitizer in the car for times when we are in exceptionally germy situations or not likely to have access to a sink or soap within a short period of time. So it'll be good enough for our purposes.

Anybody else make their own sanitizer? Does it seem to work for you?

9 months today

I can't believe this adorable kid has now been outside of me for longer than he was inside of me!

(Happy New Year!)

My little doula

The baby swing in the closet prompted a fun conversation with my 4-year-old (I call her "Monk" in the blogosphere):Monk: When you get another baby, I want to be your doula.

Busca: What would you do to be my doula?

Monk: You lay down, and I push on your bum!

Busca: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Monk: (chuckling) It helps!

Busca: (huge grin) You're right!

Birth Art

I've perused some of the birth art out there in google images and fantasized about starting a collection. I've contemplated which room or wall I would use to display my collection... my bedroom? I really don't know... But I guess I better figure it out because I just received my first two birth art pieces last Friday. Check these beauties out...Now the explanation...

On Friday, my daughters and I were looking at a picture of my oldest holding her little sister on the day she was born. Somehow that picture inspired my 4-year-old to draw a picture of herself being born. (Hers is the top one.)

First she drew me and the midwife. Then she added her daddy later when I reminded her that he was there. I asked her about the face I was making, and she explained it was me making this sound (and then she proceeded to imitate it... cracks me up every time). :-) Strangely enough, she drew herself coming out breech (feet first). She wasn't breech, but she did come out "upside down" or "sunny side up" or "posterior," if you want to get technical. :-) I wish I could say she was wrong about my birthing posture, but she was right on--semi-reclined in a hospital bed. Is it just me, or does it look like my husband is frowning? Coincidentally, he was on the verge of passing out when she came out. The nurses had to escort him over to the couch and wrap him in a blanket right after the delivery. No cord-cutting for him that time!

My older daughter, seeing all the attention her younger sister was getting from her birth drawing, decided to draw her birthday as well. Hers is much more a testament to the sheer number of birth videos she has watched with me than what actually happened on the day I pushed her into the world. In her birth fantasy, I pushed her dark head of hair (see the dark spot between my legs?) out in a pool with a midwife attending nearby. In real life, I pushed her dark head of hair out semi-reclined in a hospital bed with a resident wiping my poop away with each push. I think I'll let her keep her fantasy... at least for now. ;-)

I can't help but feel triumphant that they both assumed, as a matter of course, that they were caught by midwives, and I gathered from our conversation that they also assumed they were born at home (like their baby brother). In their eyes, that's just the way it's supposed to be. Midwives, birthing pools, doulas, and the "birth song" are permanent fixtures in their reality. I hope they will seek out the care of expert midwives when it comes time for their babies to be born, but perhaps they won't. For now I'll just revel in the beauty and innocence of their 4-year-old and 6-year-old visions of birth.

Wrapping

Everywhere I go wearing Bubs in my wrap, people stop me and either comment about how great it is or ask me about it--where to get one, how to make it, and how in the world I get Bubs and myself into it.

Recently, in an email conversation that briefly touched on baby wraps, my friend, Fig, said: "I definitely want one. I'm just afraid I'll lose the baby in it and never be able to get [her] back out. Or strangle us both or something. They look SO intimidating to me." For her sake (and because so many people have asked me how), with the help of photographer Ax, I present to you my step-by-step wrap-tying photo demonstration...

(I cut my head out of most of the photos 'cause I have a tendency to produce embarrassing facial expressions. Click on the photos to see them larger.) :-)

Step One: Find the middle of your wrap, place it across your belly, and pull the ends around behind your back and cross them.Step Two: Once you've got the ends pulled up over your shoulders, check the fabric crossed behind you to make sure there aren't any twists that will create uncomfortable pressure points. Cross the ends in front of you and tuck them inside the fabric across your belly.Step Three: Pull the ends around your waist behind you. Depending on the length of your wrap, either tie them in a secure knot in the back or wrap them around the front again and tie them at your belly. And you're done.(Since Bubs was in bed, I grabbed Mr. Teddy to demonstrate the child-insertion.) To hold the baby facing you, stick their legs through the fabric crossing your chest and spread it out over their bottom so it creates a secure little "seat." Strips of fabric should travel from your shoulder, underneath each of the baby's legs, and then behind you. The idea is to make sure they can't possibly slip out the bottom. Then pull up the fabric crossing your belly around the "seat" for extra support and security. I'll let the pictures mostly speak for themselves.You can use the same tie to carry the baby facing out as well, though this is less comfortable for the baby-wearer since the weight is less naturally distributed. I find I can wear Bubs far longer facing me than I can when he's facing out, but I still wear him out when he's wide awake and wanting to watch stuff. Same basic instructions, but the baby is turned out (obviously). :-)There are loads of other types of carries and ties that I haven't learned yet. I think as Bubs gets bigger, I may look into some of the carries with baby on the hip or back 'cause they're just more manageable with a heavier load. But this basic carry has been all I've needed so far.

I LOVE my wrap, and I love being a walking advertisement for babywearing! So let this serve as a warning: if you prefer to be "invisible" when you're grocery shopping, don't wear a baby in a wrap, 'cause people WILL stare at you and/or talk to you about it. :-)

One more tip: wearing baby down.

About six years ago I learned from Dr. Sears' Attachment Parenting Book about "wearing baby down." The idea is that sometimes the usual bedtime ritual doesn't do the trick and baby is still wide awake. If you put that baby cuddled-up to you in a wrap and go about your business with the dishes or making lunches or whatever it is you need to do, it's almost guaranteed that baby will soon be asleep. Worked like a charm last night with Bubs.Then I carefully stretched the fabric around and off of him and laid him in bed. Love it. :-)

Precious motherhood

May I never, ever, take it for granted...(Thanks for sharing, Amber!)

Time Warp

Has it really been five and a half months??

First baths, etc.

I've got this new theory. I'm not going to suggest that I'm the first to come up with this. It's only "new" in the sense that it's "new" to me. I'd love to see it tested with some research on mothers and infants.

A few weeks ago I got thinking about the profoundly intense bond I developed with my son following my home birth. I had never experienced anything like it. Sure, I developed a deep love for my daughters, but it took much longer and came far less naturally. I have come up with many possible explanations for the intensity of the bond with my son...

* No Pitocin to interfere
* More intense oxytocin rush being in a comfortable, private setting
* Immediate and prolonged skin-to-skin contact
* First feeding within 15 minutes of birth (I can't remember exactly, but it was the first thing we did after holding him and delivering the placenta.)
* No hospital staff coming in and out of our room at all hours

As I was thinking, I realized another factor I hadn't thought of before...

Read the rest of this post over at my new website!